Monday, June 04, 2012

Just When You Think You've Grown . . .

I am just now emerging from the aftermath of our 3 1/2 weeks in the States, followed by a goodbye party to some of our dearest friends, followed by a week of intense coaching (me being one of the coaches) of some of our leaders. To top it off, or maybe as a result of all that (yeah, more likely the latter) I came back, holed up for several days, and then came down with the cough my dad had just before we left the States (dad, you've given me better parting gifts, I have to say).

Thanks to some Chinese medicine I am finally on the mend (that stuff makes you want to choke and curse your uncle but it's effective) but it was a tough week for me. When I first came back from the coaching week, I had been encouraged by the fact that I was emotionally and spiritually in a good place. Normally, these weeks of coaching are as tumultuous for the coaches as for the participants. I had commented to my fellow coaches that, on observation, I had felt a new solidness in me. I felt like God allowed me to see greater depths of the pain and struggle of peoples' journeys and yet felt less compulsion to be the one to move them somewhere else. I was happy just to be a conduit and I think because of that I felt bolder and freer to say things I wouldn't normally have said. It was good. I thought, "Huh, I think I might be growing. Thank you Jesus!"

And then the cough hit, and there still weren't groceries in the house, and my family would ask for dinner and I would stare blankly at them. And every morning the kids woke up and asked about what to do and I would stare blankly at them, and so they would Wii their mornings away. And people were asking me about our summer plans and how I am feeling about leaving and I would stare blankly at them.

This is not my normal mode of operation, and it was killing me.

I like to be a girl with a plan, who makes the most of her time and is on top of things. Last week that girl was nowhere to be found. I kept using the word "remedial" in referring to my capacity to do life until my husband graciously advised me (ok, he just plain told me) that I had to stop using it. And while there's a natural frustration that comes when you aren't able to function the way you're wired, it shows that I still struggle with the fact that I can make structure and performance an idol, and base my perception of myself on it.

So just when I thought I was growing . . . it seems I still have some growing to do. Yep. This is the in between.

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