Monday, June 18, 2012

What Does Faith Look Like?

This house hunting process is brutal. It may be a good time to buy in Orlando, but the houses for sale that are easy to buy are few and far between. Erik is currently there for a conference and had a couple days to look again. We prayed and hoped for two things - first, that God would make it incredibly clear if we should take a particular house (that kind of feeling where you walk in and just know) and that He would provide a house while he's on this trip.

So far the first one hasn't happened. Erik leaves Orlando on Saturday for Vancouver, and then our next available window in which to look at houses in person will not be until September (or when someone gives us $2000 for an emergency trip to Orlando. That seems, well, unlikely).

Several times in the last few days Erik and I have both been in tears over Skype, talking about these house possibilities, or lack thereof. We question if our criteria are too high. We wonder if God is trying to provide houses for us but we pass them by because we want something we think is better. We hear the voices in our heads that say, "God is going to provide for you" and we know that's true, but we don't know what that will look like, and that's what's difficult.

What does faith look like? Does it mean that we hold tenaciously to some idea we have in our heads about our ideal house? The word "die" has come up in our conversations several times, as in "die to a dream" or "I die a little when I look at that." Does having faith mean believing God will give us something that doesn't involve us having to die to things that we feel are important to us?

I really don't know. I know that the Christian life constantly involves death. Dying to self. But then where do God's promises to prosper us, to give us the desires of our hearts, come in? The biggest struggle for me is that I know God can give us exactly what we hope for and more. I just don't know if he will. What if what we need more than anything is something that isn't what we want?

So I find myself in a constant state of confusion and crying out to Him. I keep looking through verses on faith and on waiting. I know that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. I know that those who wait on the Lord will see His goodness. I just wish it were an easier and faster process!

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