Grief

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C.S. Lewis

We had a sad parting yesterday at the airport. There were hugs and "I love you's" all around, and the mommies were in tears. Afterward the kids and I went to a hotel and met a good friend who brought her kids so we could all swim together. I was glad for the distraction, especially with someone who knew our friends well and knows how hard it is to lose them.

We lost it at bedtime, as the reality hit us again. I know that in the days and weeks, even months to come, the grief will surprise me at odd times - like just now, coming home, and seeing their empty windows. I am struggling with the balance between distracting myself from the pain, and allowing myself to fully process it. I know too much of the former is unhealthy, but for the kids' sake I can't be a constant puddle. So for now I will continue as I have been, to allow myself moments of tears. In the end, I know this can be good for our hearts, if we will leave them open and allow God to keep us soft. I believe it enlarges us and gives us a greater capacity to love in the future when we see that it is still worth it to love well.